Fighting Words

The holidays can be stressful and the cause of many an argument. But there’s a right way to argue, says Dr. Karyn Gordon.

Here are her five tips on how to argue effectively with someone:

1. Argue assertively and respectfully
Have the courage to deal directly with the person you are upset with. Use language that is respectful like “I think” and “I feel” rather than accusatory. Take responsibility for your actions, don’t make excuses, apologize for your part in the situation and seek to resolve the disagreement.

2. Pick the time carefully
Timing is imperative. Choose a time when both people are relaxed and calm. Do not try to talk things out when you or the other person is angry or stressed. Otherwise the situation won’t get resolved‚Äîor worse yet, it’ll get much messier. Choosing the right environment is equally important. For instance, talking to a man while he’s eating is usually a good time, says Dr. Gordon.

3. Focus on the present
Often in disagreements, people bring up past issues. But discipline yourself to stick to the issue at hand. Resolve that first before addressing anything else.

4. Think solutions
First vocalize how you both see the problem ‚Äìkeeping in mind that people see things in different ways. Then shift gears away from the problem to focusing on solutions. Think about what changes you both need to make in the future so that similar conflicts don’t happen again.

5. Think about, and state, your needs concretely
Women, more often than men, say things like “you don’t love me anymore” without explaining why they feel that way, says Dr. Gordon. If this sounds like you, remember to think concretely, not abstractly. That means telling whomever you’re arguing with exactly what you need them to do to make you feel loved. For example, do you need your partner to wash the dishes every other day, hold your hand when you’re out walking, or bring home flowers at least once a week? Whatever you need, be clear about it.

Originally published on CityLine