Gratitude attitude

How to raise an appreciative child

By Susan Spicer

Watching A Christmas Carol is a holiday tradition in my family. Every year, I'm undone when Tiny Tim (played by Robin the Frog in what is my favourite, the Muppet version of the story) sings "Bless Us All" as the impoverished Cratchit family eats their Christmas goose. Scrooge, at the behest of the ghost of Christmas present, watches through the window. Despite poverty, illness and the looming shadow of Mr. Scrooge's meanness, the family is joyful, content, grateful.

Famed parenting writer Barbara Coloroso would place the miserly Scrooge in the "me, mine and more" camp, while Tiny Tim and his family epitomize the opposite — the attitude "it's us, it's ours and it's enough."

At its heart, gratitude is the ability to appreciate what is, to be content with whom one is and what one has, says theologian Mary Jo Leddy, author of Radical Gratitude. The opposite is a feeling of entitlement. Leddy has heard from worried parents that "their kids want all these things all the time; they are never satisfied."

Is it getting harder to raise an appreciative child? Leddy and Coloroso think so. But don't blame the kids. "Children are subjected to a barrage of media messages telling them to want more than they need," says Coloroso.

Does that mean we should turn off the TV, stop going to the mall and put a moratorium on holiday gifts? Maybe. It might be more helpful to think about what we can do to nurture that inborn impulse toward gratitude — and it's twin virtue, generosity.

"It begins in the family," says Toronto parenting expert Alyson Schäfer. "Kids learn about sharing and living co-operatively on a small scale and it grows into a wider awareness." Read on for some ideas.

Show kids they can help
In a few weeks the wrapping paper will fly and we parents will prompt our kids to say thank you for the gifts they receive — whether they're pleased with them or not.

Being grateful when others are generous is more than just good manners, which, according to Schäfer, are a learn-as-you-grow proposition. She cringes a bit when she hears kids being prompted to say thank you during the gift exchange. "Imagine how you'd feel if your spouse corrected you in public. It's humiliating."

What we really want is for kids to develop some sensitivity toward the giver of the gift. So, suggests Schäfer, we can talk to our kids about saying thank you beforehand. We can help them write a note, make a phone call or send an email to Grandma. And we can notice when kids are doing it just a little bit: Your brother looked so happy when you gave him that hug.

For Laura Peetoom, it's important to model gratitude that goes beyond social formality. Shovelling snow is usually her husband Paul's job at their Markham, Ont. home, but "over dinner I will often say, ‘Thanks for shovelling the car out this morning. That was a big help to me.' The kids see that. They know that it's not strictly necessary to thank someone for doing their job, but when you show appreciation anyway, that's an attitude of gratitude, and children can't help but pick it up. And I hear them thanking each other in the same way."

Kids need to know they're part of the group and that their contribution matters. Schäfer believes this piece is increasingly missing in family life. We may not ask our kids to pitch in around the house because we're busy and it's easier to do it ourselves. If we do that too much, we run the risk of denying our kids that sense of belonging.

Before you post a list of chores on the fridge, though, consider your child's gifts and find ways to put them to work in your household — as well as enlisting her help when the basement needs cleaning. If your daughter has an artist's eye, she might enjoy making a centrepiece for the table or designing the family's holiday card.

Explore nature together
For Kristy Hiltz, there's no better way to engender gratitude in her kids than exploring the natural world on walks through the wetlands and fields near their home in Millbrook, Ont. "The kids are really good at seeing what's around them, and appreciating it for what it is. They show me things I don't see anymore — tiny berries clinging to a branch in winter... That sense of wonder really demonstrates an appreciation for life."

Most kids are naturally curious about all things wild, observes Hiltz, but that curiosity needs to be directed in respectful ways. Rather than stomping on an anthill, study how the ants march in a line.

Teach thoughtful consumption
Kids need to become savvy about marketing and consumerism, says Schäfer. Ask questions that challenge what they see on TV. "Do you see how they're making you think you really need to buy those jeans?" Leddy also suggests making it a policy to discuss family purchases: Do we really need a second computer? You might decide yes, but you've shown your children how to be thoughtful consumers.

Then, says Schäfer, give kids an opportunity to have their own money. Slipping kids 20 bucks and saying, "Go buy your mother a present" teaches them little about financial responsibility. Give an allowance, offer some suggestions about budgeting, but then stand back and let them make their mistakes.

Finally, says Schäfer, we may need to put the brakes on a bit in terms of how much we buy for our kids. "At the daycare I'm associated with, I sometimes find it hard to interest kids in what we have in the playroom because they've got it all at home." Schäfer points to one study showing the average number of toys children receive in a year has jumped from 50 in 1980 to about 500 today.

"Can we step back from this a little?" asks Coloroso. "We can't just say to our kids, ‘That's it. We're buying each other an animal for someone in Africa this Christmas.' But we need to look for ways to care deeply, share generously and help others willingly." That might mean emphasizing a family gathering rather than the gifts, or donating a book to a charity drive to honour a child's teacher.

Encourage generosity
Hiltz vividly remembers a cold winter night when she and her children were heading home after dinner out. The poor man asking for change in front of the restaurant said, "I'm cold. Can you give me your coat?" Hiltz says, "I fumbled and stuttered and handed the man the coffee I'd bought for him because we'd noticed him on the way in, but I was not about to give up my coat. My daughter was in tears because she was convinced the man was going to freeze to death. We went back and I ended up without my coat. The kids saw what that man needed and they demanded he get it. It's in them to respond."

Ultimately, gratitude is expressed in acts of kindness toward others. When you are grateful for what you have, you are able to give more freely. When you give to someone who has less, you understand more deeply what you have to be grateful for. You know it's there when your toddler pats your hand because you're upset, when an older child instinctively holds a door open for a mom with a stroller and, yes, when Scrooge buys the Cratchits their Christmas goose.

Originally published in Today's Parent, December 2007